I've always been the first one to say I wasn't perfect. I'm filled to the brim with flaws and don't try to hide them....I don't try to flaunt them either. :) I can say that I do my best to help, give, love and encourage my friends. One thing that use to be my downfall, and actually still is but I'm trying to get better, is my inability to say NO.
Three months ago I was diagnosed (a week before my 40th birthday) with Attention Deficit Disorder. You wouldn't believe the overwhelming feelings that flooded me with that diagnoses. I'd spent 40 years never being able to meet expectations, having "time management issues", forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, appointments...being so overwhelmed with life in general which made it impossible do the things that were expected of me. When my Dr. told me she was sure that I had ADD, we were both so incredibly relieved. Dr. Jill Russell has been my doctor for 10 years and we were both baffled by my constant sleepiness. She ran blood tests, etc., and there was never an answer to my problems. Did I tell her that I was so unorganized I spent half my time looking for something? Of course not...why tell a doctor something like that? I never told her that I would wake up every morning determined to go to the post office to mail my orders, to start a diet so I could lose weight, to clean the house, to cook dinner, to be the perfect wife and mother, only to go back to bed by 10am and sleep...my brain totally shut down until just before my youngest daughter got home at 3:15pm. My life was so filled with contradictions...so NOT what I wanted it to be. Through the process of living, with time and age...I decided that I liked the person I was. I knew I was flawed and felt no need to hide this...(hey, better to warn people now so they'd be somewhat prepared when encountering my flaws!) I stopped being so hard on myself. I've met enough people to know that the majority of my qualities were good. I knew that I wanted the best for the people around me, that I loved and adored my family. Yet, with this understanding and self acceptance, I apologized constantly. "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name."..(yes, you just told me three times in the last 10 minutes...you love my artwork, have emailed me for a year)..."Could you please talk to me a little more about our email conversations so that maybe I can remember you?" One time was so horrific for me...(and actually, the breaking point and reason I finally mentioned to my doctor the fact that I had no short term memory, thus the ADD diagnosis)...there was an artist I knew from a yahoo art group who mentioned she was from my hometown in Texas. I got so excited and told her I was from there too...she said, "yes, I know...we've talked about this before." I remembered none of it. After my diagnosis of ADD, I had a HUGE melt down...(a quiet, personal breakdown, actually...'tho my husband might say otherwise). For the first time in my 40 years and after reading several books..(okay, scanning several, who wants to sit and read this technical stuff...I don't have that kind of attention span!!)...I came to understand that there are chemical, biological reasons I am the way I am and why I struggle with what I do. I've spent my life feeling guilty for disappointing people, coworkers, bosses, teachers, family members and friends. I have spent my life apologizing for everything. Oh, something went wrong? It must be my fault, everything's usually my fault...Here's a huge blanket "I'M SORRY" for everything wrong. In April, after returning from Artfest....an artist retreat held in Port Orchard Washington, I was SO PISSED! I finally understood...it wasn't my fault! I was mad at a friend who had emailed a "concerned note" to me 'tho she lived two blocks away, that I was bad for not doing the things I should do...in "rebellion against God"...mad at family members for feeling I was lazy, thoughtless, selfish...mad at my husband for being upset that I couldn't keep the house clean and organized the way "most women" do, I couldn't keep my morning commitments the way I'd resolved when I woke up, mad at myself for disappointing my daughters when I would promise this or that and by the middle of the day I was lucky to still be awake and not totally shut down and snoozing.
Oh, I'm sorry but I'm going to finish this tomorrow...it's bedtime.. (well rats..there I go apologizing again).
hi :) It's been one of those run around town days. I'm pooped. My daughter had a Dr. appointment this morning and we were gone until 5pm or so...then my youngest wanted to go get flowers for our garden....we got some wonderful ones that I know nothing about at the moment...I'm hoping something will click and I'll be a master gardener like my sweet mother. Only one really crappy thing happened....katy and I went to Goodwill after the appointment to see if we could find any fun stuff and the check out girl asked if I qualified for the Sr. Citizen's discount. Sure makes my 40th birthday last March sting a little...ugghhh! oxox
I finally heard from Pawsla in California....Found out that they did receive the painting (see post below) I sent them in Nov 2003, late of course because of my time management issues, dammit...so they saved it for the Pawsla 2004 auction. It sold for $300 to someone who lives in LA...Sir, they gave me your mailing address but not your email address. I'm going to send you a little note but in some slim chance you see this...I'd really love to hear from you! For anyone who reads this post...Please check out www.pawsla.org. It's a wonderful organization. I'll be preparing a new piece for their auction this November. thanks so much...oxox
Hi there...my kids are home, larry the westie neighbor is gone, life is getting back to normal. Hubby whispered that I looked more stressed last night than I had in 10 days. :) It's actually been nice...but I've got to learn to deal with my stress better. Thanks for the creative wedding ideas! I've almost finished the bracelet...I'll post it once it's done. oxox
I can't believe it...14 years ago today the little love of my life was born. From the minute I held her, I knew that I was born for that moment...for being her mother. Happy Birthday, angel...I adore you. oxox, mommy
Goodmorning! I've been up for ages with animals. Did I tell you that Larry (our neighbor's westie and Lily's boyfriend) is spending the weekend with us? I do have some photos posted of the two of them in an earlier post but can't seem to figure out how to make them available. I've been asked to contribute to a Weddings book. I am so not in the wedding zone and have been struggling to come up with creative wedding ideas. I've been going through all my vintage bride & groom postcards in hopes of getting inspired. I might make a bride charm bracelet??...charms for each bridesmaid? A memory box to hold all the wedding things? hmmm... oxox
Well, okay! See how hard you had to talk me into it? I'm not posting romantic ones but these were two pictures I took on my first day in paris....well, actually the second day...I was jet lagged the first! Here I am, walking these incredible streets and what do I see? CHILI'S!! Totally cracked me up. My high school date hang out, who'd have thought. I'm also posting a photo of the concession stand at the eiffel tower...if you're really hungry, you can buy a paper tray of french fries with a big weiner laying across it. yum yum! :P
I just finished reading a book called "weekend in paris". It was a great escape...a great beach read if any of you are going to be needing one in the future. It reminded me so much of my time in Paris. I'd never traveled outside of the US except for Mexico when I was a teenager and of course, there was another little trip for my honeymoon 10 years earlier. I was a single mom in 1998 with two weeks ahead where my daughters would be with their dad. I won't go into details, but I got on a plane all by myself and flew to Paris, having two of the most romantic, fairytale weeks of my life. Looking back now, it seems like it never happened...like I read it in some romance novel...but I do have pictures to prove it! oxox
Murphy is in my lap purring. It's been so fun having a new kitten. They're so silly, bouncing sideways, flipping over on a dime and darting off in a different direction. He's the perfect playmate for Lily. In revamping my website I've started going through some of my older paintings, which is why you've been seeing them posted here recently. It makes me want to pull out my brushes and start some new ones. It's been ages since I've made anything new. oxox
Hi all, I've finally been given the go ahead to announce that my Find Artistic Vision collage will not only be a month in the 2006 Artplay Calendar published by www.amberlotus.com, it's been chosen as the COVER ART too! woohoo! oxox