I remember Katy at this age, that everything was an argument, so I keep telling myself that it'll pass....but oh my god.
I'm doing okay...hubby says he can see a difference in my face...not so sad, I guess.
I thought I'd give you a little update, as I've skipped over some parts and have heard from many of you who have been suffering similar to what I've been going through.
After my first visit to the Psychiatrist, Dr. Lyn Alvarez, I was scheduled to return in 3 days to finish the initial interview. After telling her everything she needed to know, she said that yes, I was depressed, yes, I had ADD. She said that there were a lot of changes she wanted to make in my meds. Her first change was to treat my Restless Leg Syndrome. She prescribed Clonazepam, a med that I take an hour before I want to be asleep. It actually does many things, has a calming effect, helps me to sleep through the night. I've been taking it for just over a week and am amazed that I actually feel rested when I wake up in the morning (I've literally spent my life waking up exhausted, no kidding). It doesn't at all give me a "drugged" feeling that sleeping pills would. I do actually wake up occasionally in the middle of the night, but where I'd usually not be able to fall asleep and would get up, I'm able to fall right back to sleep.
After being on this for a week, I went back to see the Dr. and she was ready for step 2. She wanted to increase the dosage of my Zoloft (antidepressant). Where I normally take 100mg, I'm now taking 150mg. It's been about 4 days with this and I think I can tell a difference. I've actually felt happy about several things lately instead of just feeling like I'm existing to get through another day. The "blues" are lifting. The next time I see her, she plans on changing my Adderall (for ADD) by putting me on the extended release formula...something that will stay in my system continually, instead of the Adderall I take now which wears off after 3-4 hours.
Dr. Alvarez will continue being my Psychiatrist for medication purposes but referred me to someone else to do my personal therapy. She gave me the name of a therapist that she highly recommended. She believed that we would be a perfect fit and that Susan Giberson would be someone who could help me get a grip on myself and my life. As soon as I left Dr. Alvarez's office, I called Susan Giberson's # and left a message to have her call me.
*FYI...Dr. Alvarez is not on my list of Dr's allowed by my insurance, while I do have some leeway that allows me to see her, they cover only 60% of her fees....Susan Giberson, on the other hand, IS on my provider list and is completely covered except for my basic $15 copay. I'm telling you this because I know many people think that there is no way they can get this kind of help because of the expense, but know that insurance does cover it.*
My last post was written just after I'd seen her. I just love her....an instant click. Her personality is very open, sweet, warm and cuddly. She asked me tons of questions. I told her bits about my childhood, relationship with my parents and sister. Talked about my first marriage, my kids, the circumstances around my first diagnosis of depression after Kimber was born. I explained that during that time of my life, I had gone to therapy for about a year and a half and worked through issues concerning my childhood and felt they were 100% resolved...that my relationship with my parents was better than ever (yes, my mom and I still want to scream at each other occasionally, but that's just the mother daughter thing that most people have). I talked to her about the fact that I had severed my relationship with my sister because it wasn't a safe relationship for me. I'm actually looking forward to working with her about it, not that the relationship would change, but just getting her feedback on everything regarding it.
In general, the whole experience was positive. She gave me lots of feedback, directed me in our talks that helped me to identify why I was feeling paralyzed regarding commitments and life. She asked me how I felt about myself and the truth was, I hated that I felt so unable to meet the needs of people online...emails, website customers, people waiting for things from me....hated that it should be easy to just get it done, but that I have this block, fear almost, afraid to even walk forward, complete the commitments. (this is where I cry)...I hate that I get so unorganized, my art studio is in chaos, I feel I'm disappointing my husband, my customers, everyone because I am frozen. I explained that I won't allow myself to do art or anything that I love until I keep my commitments...and as I feel unable to keep the commitments, I create no art. It's like this vicious circle that causes me to spiral downward, getting deeper and deeper into this hole.
Susan told me that she believes I'm using almost all of my energy beating myself up for my "failures"...my word, not hers...that I'm so horrified by everything about myself I'm actually the one digging the hole and slipping further down.
She asked me to name 1 commitment that was the most important....only 1. I told her that I had a deadline to create and send out 3 valentine artist trading cards to Mary Engelbreit's Home Companion magazine for an article that will be in the February 2006 issue. The deadline was that very day, I hadn't even started working on the cards. (I know, it's horrible....being in this magazine is a dream come true and here I am, so paralyzed.)
She said that my assignment for the week was this....go home, make the cards and mail them in. After it's done, I'm through. Think of no other commitments and spend the rest of the week taking care of me. She wants me to be aware when I begin to beat myself up inside my head, to stop. She wants me to make art, do whatever it takes to take care of myself. That I will never be able to follow through with commitments until I was moving on a positive track with myself.
We scheduled my next appointment with her for the following Monday. So many things were going on in my head as I was driving home....the first being that my husband would want to kill me if I told him that I would have to work on only one commitment and once done, I was finished for the week. The second being, how could I possibly finish the cards and be able to do anything fun while my house was in chaos?! Third....if I only had one commitment to keep this week, I know I could keep it. One commitment is not overwhelming....I can easily complete ONE commitment...I CAN! I will do my best not to allow myself to feel that I'm a horrible person because the other commitments aren't being met because Susan gave me permission to do only 1 commitment. She's my Dr....I'm just following Dr's orders. All this happened on Monday the 24th. It's now Thursday.
I've finished my commitment and guess what. Since I have permission not to worry about anything but me, then doing bits and pieces of those other commitments are optional and not paralyzing...I've actually been able to work through some of them too....with no pressure.
again, thank you all who have written words of encouragement. I love you.