The weekend is almost over. I've had the most relaxed day today...the girls spent the weekend with their dad and Kem was working....I attempted to take a nap around noonish and after the millionth phone ring, I finally answered (saw it was hubby, who had just left knowing I was laying down for a little nappy poo)...I groaned into the phone like..."what the??" He was letting me know that the other 999 thousand calls were from the girls dad (yep, my ex, but that's okay, he's like a brother)...he was coming over to get the lawn mower...his is on the fritz and we will no longer be needing one as we're using ground cover instead of grass...YAY! Hubby told me that Steve had the "code" to open the garage door but he didn't want me to wake up to hearing the garage door opening and freak out. (yes, he knows me well)...After hanging up the phone, I figured out how to turn our new phone ringer OFF and was just starting to drift when the doorbell rang. Lily freaked, started barking and I thought..."he knows the code to the garage, he'll be fine." Then 2 more DING DONG...ugghh...I called for him to come in, he did...that was the end of my nap. :)
I've sat down at least 3 times to write here since the last post but get side tracked. I want a new banner, so I'll start on that, then get pulled away, yada yada yada....I'm determined to get this posted before I head for bed. It's already 1am.
I have to say that I'm so very proud of my two step sons...Ben and Alex have grown up so much since those wedding photos in my album here... Alex has started his 2nd year in high school and Ben graduated last year. I spent Friday with them and their wonderful mom, Traci, (yes, my hubby has been married twice...to traci and to me, tracy...what can I say? Traci has been plagued all her life with horrible strep throat. (I think she's even had someone in her family die from it) Friday she had her tonsils removed and I happily played her surrogate mother. Traci and I have always gotten along so well, it's a huge blessing because it makes holidays and family gatherings very peaceful. There have been several occasions where we have had traci and the boys over as well as Steve (my girls' dad) over for holidays and events. It's so much nicer when everyone gets along. So, Traci, Ben & his gfriend, Alex and I load into the car and head to kaiser...poor girl is so worried. She is the strongest woman I know, an incredible mom, an assistant DA for Multnoma County. Like all of us when we're scared or having to face the unknown, she wanted her Mom....my heart so goes out to her for that. I went in with her for the preop stuff...it took forever for her to finally get going with the meds and the surgery. I sat there with her while she was in her hospital gown, blankets, clutching this cute stuffed german shepherd that one of the nurses brought for her...I kept trying to talk, to get her mind off the worrying but it was so painful to watch. We've all been scared, but not often do we have an audience for it. She was very brave and all the "be prepared for..." advice we were given before surgery were non issues. She went through the surgery like a pro...did great through recovery and by the time we got home, she was doing so great!! I felt so proud of Ben and Alex because of their devotion to their Mom. I knew that Ben would take such perfect care of her that night. We'd been told by one of the nurses that she should take her pain meds every 5 hours, even in the middle of the night...that meant that Ben would need to wake up at 4am to give her her meds. I wrote down the times she was to get each dose so he wouldn't forget, told Traci that she didn't have to worry about it....ben assured me he wouldn't need me to call at 4am as a wake up for meds. I'm rambling...I got one call from Ben after I got home on Friday Night...I brought Cheese Soup and bread over and a huge bag of our dvd's to tide them over during traci's 2 week home stay. It was just awesome to go over there and see how Ben had been taking care of his mom....alex ran out to the car when I pulled in and helped me carry everything in. I'm just in awe of all three of them. What an incredible family.
I have so much to be thankful for...a great family, wonderful friends, beautiful daughters and loving hubby (who brought me up a glass of champagne while I was in the tub tonight)....oh, and Lily, who is curled up in my lap right now.
oxox
Oooh, the wonderful 70's. Here I am with my dad. I was 9 years old and we were heading to the Brownie Father Daughter banquet. You might not know by looking, but things were not as they seemed in this photo. My mom and this dad were married two years before...(actually this WAS...no longer IS....my step dad..now he's my REAL Dad). We made it official my 8th or 9th grade year..he adopted my sister and I, thus changing our last names from Woods to Willis...so, he IS officially THE DAD. :) I am more than thrilled beyond belief that my wonderful father and I are close. I adore him and would give him everything I am. He and mom are now retired in North Carolina, braving hurricane scares, living in their ultimate dream house, fishing *dad*, antiquing *mom*, gardening, eating out, loving life. I couldn't be happier for them. My dad and I have gotten closer than we've ever been over the last 4 years....I turned 40 in March of this year. I'll never forget, a few years ago, we were talking on instant messenger and he called me "sweetie". I didn't say anything, but I cried....he'd never ever called me that before. He began phoning me for the first time in my life. A few months after the first "sweetie", we were online again and he typed it again..."sweetie". I spoke up and typed..."hey, you called me sweetie." He said, "I know, it's the second time." Amazing ...it was such a big deal to me, I never realized that he'd actually know it was just the second time in our lives we shared that connection...but he did. Things were different in my childhood. My dad married a woman with two little girls. I was in 1st grade, my sister in second. We had gone through a horrendous childhood before we'd ventured into a new life with our new dad. He had never had kids before...knew nothing about what to do with two little girls. We, on the other hand had been born with a dad who was physically and emotionally abusive. I've blocked out many of the memories but I do remember waiting in the car as 1st dad walked mom into the hospital after breaking her hand. I remember my mothers tears, my sister being locked out in the backyard as we watched through the sliding glass door...she wasn't allowed back in until she went down the slide backwards the way I had earlier. I'll never forget it...my mom hysterically crying inside and me looking through that glass door as this little 5 year old sat swinging in the dark....all by herself...not allowed in. We left the next morning...the three girls. It was the last straw, as mama was willing to stay while being abused, but refused to allow us to suffer too. We moved into a very poor neighborhood, in an apartment complex in Poly, Texas. It's amazing that my memory is such crap now, but I can remember so vividly my life in those apartments. Mama and dad started dating during this time. *she's Mom now...but was ONLY mama as I grew up...I'm from texas...all kids called their moms mama. :)* By the time they got together, I'd survived a physically & emotionally abusive father and had spent 3 years being sexually abused in daycare center run by an older couple. "Uncle JoJo" was someone I trusted. Not a good thing, I learned...Men BAD...I never wanted to trust one again. I was not, in any way, shape or form ready to trust any man. My new dad tried to be encouraging, he really tried to bring me in...I was petrified. I'm sure it looked to him like I was just this pain in the ass kid who didn't want to share her mama...let's not forget, he was a young man in his late 20's. The fear of men haunted me throughout my childhood. It really had nothing at all to do with Dad...he was wonderful...I'd just never known a man in my entire 6 years before meeting him who would not hurt me or my mother & sister. My sister warmed up to him immediately, as was her way. She and dad formed an instant bond that is strong to this day. I, on the other hand was scared, reserved and lost my chance for love from the begining...he tried, I didn't reciprocate....I was a pain in the ass...he worked like a dog to support a new wife and kids that weren't even his...and the youngest one who didn't appreciate one ioda of what he did for her. It was a damned relationship from the start. I know that he has no idea that I would sit in the backseat of the car...even as old as 16 years....if my mom wasn't with us...if it was just Dad and myself or even is my sister was in the car. I would sit in the backseat in a panic. I would work out the plan in my head..."okay, if he pulls into the woods to hurt me, I will run the opposite way and get out as quick as I can...I will look for a big rock, a huge stick..anything to protect myself...I will make myself safe." I didn't just do this with my dad...I had these same plans worked out when I was left alone with any man. This was a major, personal issue when husbands would take me home after babysitting. I babysat throughout my early teens, as most kids do...and I would pray, every time..."please let the mom take me home...please, please" In most cases, it was the dad...and I would grip that door handle, having planned my escape, my leap from the car, my way to save myself. I'd eventually arrive home with my heart pounding and a $6 dollar check after spending 10 hours babysitting two of the biggest brats in town. My dad has no idea how much I wanted and needed him while I was growing up. How hard it was for me to watch him with my sister...I was always the odd man out. Recently, after attending several sessions with an ADD therapist, (my daughter and I were both diagnosed this year) I spoke just a little about the conflict my dad and I had during my childhood. He said, "Tracy, it's hard for a BLOOD relative to love an ADD kid...it's almost impossible for a step parent to deal with." You have no idea what those words meant to me. Even tho I couldn't help the fact that I was an ADD kid...it made me feel better to know that there was a reason he had a hard time being in the same room with me. I'm reliving this all, all over again, as of late. My youngest daughter and my husband are in a battle. He has no idea how painful this is for me and how I am actually having to live the rejection, the battles, the insecurity a little girl faces by not being unconditionally loved by her father. I remember in the midst of my struggles of coming to terms with my childhood after my own daughters were born, I told my therapist..."He was the adult! Of course I was a pain in the ass....but he was the adult. Isn't the parent REQUIRED to love?? Kids will grow up...they will mature...what the hell is the parent's excuse??? I talked to kem the other night...I'm literally at my breaking point with everything. I told him that he and kimber were going to have to get together and work this out. I have NOTHING left in me for being the mediator. I can no longer go to bed with bitching from either of them and waking up again with their bitching about each other. I'm sick of it...I can't handle my own life at the moment, I will go right over that deep end having to be responsible for their conflicts. I talked to my sweet mother about it this week. She is worried about me. She knows I'm emotional...she knows what I'm going through...seems she is having to relive what it's like being a mother caught between a husband and daughter she adores. She said that I needed to remember that Kem needs me more than ever...that he is feeling unappreciated by kimber and I need to go out of my way to make him feel good, validated, loved. My thoughts? Where do I find the energy to mother a grown man, two kids and myself when I have nothing left? I'm at a loss. When will it be time for people to take care of me? 
It's 7:24 am and I should not be making Lily Winkles or typing on the computer. I'm having an friend over at 10am to do art. My first instinct?? Call and cancel...I've done this before, she would not be happy. So, I'm off to make some sense of my studio before she gets here. I have this feeling of panic and dread. I know once she's here, I'll absolutely love it and I do have so many projects I've got to finish as deadlines are looming. I'd appreciate a prayer if you're reading this before 10am pacific time....that I won't get destracted from my task...(the ADD thing can be a killer in situations like this) and that I won't scream at my family once they wake up..(an often occuring thing when under great stress and feeling panic) hey, maybe they can all just sleep until 10...lucky ducks. oxox
I've always been the first one to say I wasn't perfect. I'm filled to the brim with flaws and don't try to hide them....I don't try to flaunt them either. :) I can say that I do my best to help, give, love and encourage my friends. One thing that use to be my downfall, and actually still is but I'm trying to get better, is my inability to say NO.
Three months ago I was diagnosed (a week before my 40th birthday) with Attention Deficit Disorder. You wouldn't believe the overwhelming feelings that flooded me with that diagnoses. I'd spent 40 years never being able to meet expectations, having "time management issues", forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, appointments...being so overwhelmed with life in general which made it impossible do the things that were expected of me. When my Dr. told me she was sure that I had ADD, we were both so incredibly relieved. Dr. Jill Russell has been my doctor for 10 years and we were both baffled by my constant sleepiness. She ran blood tests, etc., and there was never an answer to my problems. Did I tell her that I was so unorganized I spent half my time looking for something? Of course not...why tell a doctor something like that? I never told her that I would wake up every morning determined to go to the post office to mail my orders, to start a diet so I could lose weight, to clean the house, to cook dinner, to be the perfect wife and mother, only to go back to bed by 10am and sleep...my brain totally shut down until just before my youngest daughter got home at 3:15pm. My life was so filled with contradictions...so NOT what I wanted it to be. Through the process of living, with time and age...I decided that I liked the person I was. I knew I was flawed and felt no need to hide this...(hey, better to warn people now so they'd be somewhat prepared when encountering my flaws!) I stopped being so hard on myself. I've met enough people to know that the majority of my qualities were good. I knew that I wanted the best for the people around me, that I loved and adored my family. Yet, with this understanding and self acceptance, I apologized constantly. "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name."..(yes, you just told me three times in the last 10 minutes...you love my artwork, have emailed me for a year)..."Could you please talk to me a little more about our email conversations so that maybe I can remember you?" One time was so horrific for me...(and actually, the breaking point and reason I finally mentioned to my doctor the fact that I had no short term memory, thus the ADD diagnosis)...there was an artist I knew from a yahoo art group who mentioned she was from my hometown in Texas. I got so excited and told her I was from there too...she said, "yes, I know...we've talked about this before." I remembered none of it. After my diagnosis of ADD, I had a HUGE melt down...(a quiet, personal breakdown, actually...'tho my husband might say otherwise). For the first time in my 40 years and after reading several books..(okay, scanning several, who wants to sit and read this technical stuff...I don't have that kind of attention span!!)...I came to understand that there are chemical, biological reasons I am the way I am and why I struggle with what I do. I've spent my life feeling guilty for disappointing people, coworkers, bosses, teachers, family members and friends. I have spent my life apologizing for everything. Oh, something went wrong? It must be my fault, everything's usually my fault...Here's a huge blanket "I'M SORRY" for everything wrong. In April, after returning from Artfest....an artist retreat held in Port Orchard Washington, I was SO PISSED! I finally understood...it wasn't my fault! I was mad at a friend who had emailed a "concerned note" to me 'tho she lived two blocks away, that I was bad for not doing the things I should do...in "rebellion against God"...mad at family members for feeling I was lazy, thoughtless, selfish...mad at my husband for being upset that I couldn't keep the house clean and organized the way "most women" do, I couldn't keep my morning commitments the way I'd resolved when I woke up, mad at myself for disappointing my daughters when I would promise this or that and by the middle of the day I was lucky to still be awake and not totally shut down and snoozing.
Oh, I'm sorry but I'm going to finish this tomorrow...it's bedtime.. (well rats..there I go apologizing again).
oxox
