I received the sweetest surprise in the mail yesterday from my friend Sarah. There were 3 tiny buttons with images of her work and a pair of bottlecap earrings. They made me happy. :) Thanks Sarah, oxox....I've had lots going on in my head the past couple of days. I had an epiphany of sorts and immediately called my wonderful counselor, Susan Giberson, to set up an appointment. I haven't seen her in forever and knew that I'd have to to work through some things that have been holding me back.
What started all this introspection had to do with my lack of trusting people the way I used to. I've always been way too trusting and believed that if you're kind and respectful of people/feelings, other people would be the same way...I've always just laid everything out there, the good, bad and the ugly and I've always found it easy to love people unconditionally. I've always assumed that it's easy for me to overlook the "quirks" of others because I've always been the queen of quirks....
this is so hard to even think about, let alone, type it.
A couple of years ago I'd had some wonderful things happening artistically....around that time, some people I felt close to hurt me...from that point, things went downhill. I honestly thought I was so over this, but it just hit me the other day ...I'd been stuffing the hurt and to this day I rarely make art, have turned down many opportunities to be published, have virtually cut myself off from art friends and have retreated into this safe place...but it's not safe. I'm so stifled and this overwhelming sense of a fear of failure, of a fear of letting people down, fear of allowing myself to trust new people and letting them get to know the real me...it's all so different than the person I was. I believe there is wisdom in being cautious with new people...my girlfriend, Tami, had me over for lunch today...I began telling her about this and was shocked by the emotion and pain that rose up...I knew I had things I needed to work through and let go of, but not having vocalized it before today I hadn't felt super emotional about it. She told me that where people are concerned, trust is something that is earned, not given away. I've never ever thought of it that way. I would always trust with reckless abandon, get the rug pulled out from under me, be hurt and heartbroken which would add bricks to the wall I've been building around me for the last 4 yrs or so.
I'm rambling because I'm working this out while I type. :)
I used to not be such a horrible emailer...hubby used to complain that I spent more time emailing than I did making art (back in the days we needed my artwork to generate household $$). Over the past few years, I've not only become the worst at responding to emails, I've also stopped answering my phone, most days...don't listen to voice messages more than once a week, have a hard time committing myself to new friends for fear that we would get close and it could blow up on me. I find that if something happens and my feelings get hurt, I now tend to completely withdraw from the person involved instead of working things out....I'm so overly protective of my heart. Things have definitely got to change. My Dr. appt. is in a week...we'll see.
On a happier note, I will be flying to Florida to visit with my dear friend Norma Kooi in less than a month. I'm so excited, haven't seen her in forever and can't wait to just have girl time with her. I'm going to be there for her birthday and during one weekend we're going to some huge city flea market... I've got to start making some spending money FAST!
I'm also getting so excited for the trip to france I'm taking with my mom. We'll be going on an art retreat taught by Linda and Opie. Celine and I spent so much time talking and planning, she lives a couple of hours from where the retreat is being held....I think we're going to actually fly to paris early, meet up with Celine and the next day or so, take the fast train to southern france. She lives near Montpellier (an incredible city that I loved). We will be going to the same places I visited in France 8 years ago. It'll be so wonderful to share that with my mother. We'll visit the gorgeous walled city of Carcassonne. I spent most of my time in france staying in Nimes, which was a dream. I can't even believe I'm going back. I know my mom and I, not to mention our husbands who will be staying home, will feel much better having a french friend to show us around. Celine works in Paris, teaching classes at the only scrapbook store! It'll be so fun being in her life, seeing where she works, lives, etc. Okay, I feel better now. oxox