Learning to say NO...standing up for myself.

I've always been the first one to say I wasn't perfect. I'm filled to the brim with flaws and don't try to hide them....I don't try to flaunt them either. :) I can say that I do my best to help, give, love and encourage my friends. One thing that use to be my downfall, and actually still is but I'm trying to get better, is my inability to say NO. Three months ago I was diagnosed (a week before my 40th birthday) with Attention Deficit Disorder. You wouldn't believe the overwhelming feelings that flooded me with that diagnoses. I'd spent 40 years never being able to meet expectations, having "time management issues", forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, appointments...being so overwhelmed with life in general which made it impossible do the things that were expected of me. When my Dr. told me she was sure that I had ADD, we were both so incredibly relieved. Dr. Jill Russell has been my doctor for 10 years and we were both baffled by my constant sleepiness. She ran blood tests, etc., and there was never an answer to my problems. Did I tell her that I was so unorganized I spent half my time looking for something? Of course not...why tell a doctor something like that? I never told her that I would wake up every morning determined to go to the post office to mail my orders, to start a diet so I could lose weight, to clean the house, to cook dinner, to be the perfect wife and mother, only to go back to bed by 10am and sleep...my brain totally shut down until just before my youngest daughter got home at 3:15pm. My life was so filled with contradictions...so NOT what I wanted it to be. Through the process of living, with time and age...I decided that I liked the person I was. I knew I was flawed and felt no need to hide this...(hey, better to warn people now so they'd be somewhat prepared when encountering my flaws!) I stopped being so hard on myself. I've met enough people to know that the majority of my qualities were good. I knew that I wanted the best for the people around me, that I loved and adored my family. Yet, with this understanding and self acceptance, I apologized constantly. "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name."..(yes, you just told me three times in the last 10 minutes...you love my artwork, have emailed me for a year)..."Could you please talk to me a little more about our email conversations so that maybe I can remember you?" One time was so horrific for me...(and actually, the breaking point and reason I finally mentioned to my doctor the fact that I had no short term memory, thus the ADD diagnosis)...there was an artist I knew from a yahoo art group who mentioned she was from my hometown in Texas. I got so excited and told her I was from there too...she said, "yes, I know...we've talked about this before." I remembered none of it. After my diagnosis of ADD, I had a HUGE melt down...(a quiet, personal breakdown, actually...'tho my husband might say otherwise). For the first time in my 40 years and after reading several books..(okay, scanning several, who wants to sit and read this technical stuff...I don't have that kind of attention span!!)...I came to understand that there are chemical, biological reasons I am the way I am and why I struggle with what I do. I've spent my life feeling guilty for disappointing people, coworkers, bosses, teachers, family members and friends. I have spent my life apologizing for everything. Oh, something went wrong? It must be my fault, everything's usually my fault...Here's a huge blanket "I'M SORRY" for everything wrong. In April, after returning from Artfest....an artist retreat held in Port Orchard Washington, I was SO PISSED! I finally understood...it wasn't my fault! I was mad at a friend who had emailed a "concerned note" to me 'tho she lived two blocks away, that I was bad for not doing the things I should do...in "rebellion against God"...mad at family members for feeling I was lazy, thoughtless, selfish...mad at my husband for being upset that I couldn't keep the house clean and organized the way "most women" do, I couldn't keep my morning commitments the way I'd resolved when I woke up, mad at myself for disappointing my daughters when I would promise this or that and by the middle of the day I was lucky to still be awake and not totally shut down and snoozing. Oh, I'm sorry but I'm going to finish this tomorrow...it's bedtime.. (well rats..there I go apologizing again). oxox

Comments

[denise]

faith...AMEN to that! tracy...stay close to that sacred circle,girl!

[Judy]

I am quite a bit older than you and 2 years ago I finally got on the medication that has helped me with my own personal "blame myself" thoughts. I think artists are plagued by our differences ... we think about everything more and we feel alone at times. You are in a part of the population with many fellow artists who share your oddities, even if you seldom connect personally with many who will admit it. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I've been lurking around your blog and I just love your work and I live in Canby and look forward to meeting you at Artfest just as you looked forward to meeting Lynn Whipple. Your work is incredible and you dont need to remember my name. (I have been trying to get the idea to catch on that everyone in the world should wear name tags ... ha!) Good luck in all you do. Be your own best friend. Love, what's-her-name *smile*

[Faith]

Althought I have only known you a short time, I love lots of things about you. You are funny, amazingly honest, have a generous spirit, kind, creative, you work hard...Sometimes people are so quick to make judgements without really taking the time to get to know someone. I think it's important to have what I refer to as a sacred circle around you. These are the people who love and accept you unconditionally, whom you can trust with your spirit. These are the people that love you BECAUSE of your flaws, not in spite of them. You can have lots of friends and aquaintances, but this core group of people are the ones that really "see" you. The people who bash you for being who you are missing the gift of YOU. To be totally honest, when I read this I so wanted to grab you and say "STOP apologising for everything!!!" Your life is not one great big apology. You have a God-given right to be exactly who you are. So you're not "perfect", who is? You do the best you can every day with what you've got and that is all anyone can ask of you. Really! There is a freedom that comes when you let go of all the expectations that other people put on you. I hope that you will continue to work towards it. ((hugs)) *hopping off my soap box now*