Here's what's happening

  sooo....the final low down on what I'm doing to work through this crappy stuff...

My primary care Dr. who I adore....Dr. Jill Russell, has been with me throughout everything....from the depression after Kimber was born 12 yrs ago, through my therapy right after....divorce, single motherhood, remarriage, art stuff.  I consider her my friend.  We'd tried several things to try to determine why I was chronically tired...around the time of the Add diagnosis,  she asked me to have a sleep test done, just to rule out sleep apnea.  Last July I had the sleep test done and it was determined that I have Restless Leg Syndrome....  I had already passed a place where I felt hopeful regarding anything concerning my sleepiness (which hasn't been much of an issue since starting the adderall), but I did notice while doing research on this new diagnosis that Harvard is asking for everyone with this disorder to donate their brain to them for further study. :P  When I called my hubby to tell him the results of the sleep study, he told me that I kick him all night in my sleep.  I had no idea!!  I've always known that I have bouncy legs when I'm awake (they're always moving), I have difficulties sitting still for a long time on an airplane or in a theater (legs get uncomfortable) and sometimes while falling asleep I'll feel something similar to electric shocks in my legs...real quick, not painful but very irritating.

Dr. Russell referred me to a psychiatrist who could help me get the correct combinations of meds.  I went to see her for the first time Tuesday Oct 11.  As I was driving to her office, I could feel the emotional floodgates starting to open.  I'd contained my frustrations, emotions, etc., for so long just so I could get through each day and when suddenly I was making my way to see a Dr. who is a specialist for meds dealing with depression and the brain, it was as if I could finally let everything horrible about it out. 

Well, seems I'd lost the directions to her office, which is typical, as I lose everything, but remembered basically where she was located and I had her office address with me.  She had told me a week earlier how to get there and had mentioned a restaurant, the Macaroni Grille, saying she was close to it.  I found THAT....but not her building.  I started driving in circles, didn't have her phone number with me, was slowly starting to panic...I DID have the phone number of her billing person, so I pulled over, called the number and got a voice mail.  The tears started then.  I just sat there not knowing what to do...was SO CLOSE but just didn't have the ability to problem solve at that particular moment.  At that moment, my cell phone rang.  It was Dr. Alverez (Lynn).  I did my best saying "hello" without the BWAAHHHHHH included.  She said, "Tracy?  Are you lost?"  and that's all it took.  I bawled into the phone..."waaaaaa.....I can't find you!!"  She was sweet...when I told her where I was, she said, "Oh! You're almost here!" and told me where to go.  I drove the two blocks to her office bawling and trying to pull myself together so I didn't walk in to meet her with a huge red nose and eyes.  ugghhh!!! 

When I entered her office, I immediately felt at ease...felt like an idiot, but felt at ease.  She had a series of questions for me since she needed to know my info before she could make any kind of informed diagnosis.  I was able to answer her first few questions while maintaining control of my emotions.  After getting the basics regarding what Dr. Russell had diagnosed, why I was there, etc...she began asking me questions about me.  Asked if I was happy, suicidal, hopeless, etc.  As I began answering her, the tears flowed.  I told her that while suicide was never an option, as I adore my daughters and would never do that to them...not only living without a mom but the trauma of it all...that there have been two times I had decided things were obviously not getting any better for me and I was through....had reached the end of what I could take.  With that knowledge, I was at a loss...but knew that I had had enough.  Just vocalizing that to someone was a release for me and of course, I bawled.  As for the "hopeless" question, I answered it for myself as much as for her, as I'd never really questioned myself concerning it...I felt hopeful for the future for everything around me...my daughters, stuff....but me?  my struggles, sleepiness, being overwhelmed, depression, shutting down and being paralyzed?  I felt no hope with that ever being different.  I've dealt with it for too long.  I believed I was a good BS-er and could get by in the world, take care of my family, maybe do something with art but if I had to deal with people, it was sure I'd be nothing but a disappointment to everyone around me.  Tears...how can I feel this without feeling the devastation of that truth? 

When my session was over, she said she wanted to see me in 3 days to finish the "initial interview".

I left and cried all the way home.  Once home, I sat on the couch with my hubby, told him everything, cried more...then sat, wiped out....numb.  If I thought about the session, I'd cry, so I tried not to...took care of the kids, pretended I was normal, tried not to feel anything.

oxox

Comments

[Lelainia (Faith)]

My hope for you is that instead of merely surviving, that by opening up to allow others to help you, you discover how to thrive. I have hope for you because you have tenacity and courage. Don't think you do? You have managed to get yourself this far, whereas most people would have given up by now. There's a song I like to listen to when I am struggling with something-it's a Sarah McLaughlin and it says "Hold on, hold on to your heart. This is gonna hurt like hell." Hold on Tracy! (((tracy))

[Brandi Powell]

Tracy, I would never had quessed you had all of this going on. I hardly know you but love your artwork. I am so sorry to hear of your health issues but it sounds like you have at least have a means to an end if you have figured out what is causing your ailment. Keep your chin up, you are such an amazing woman!