Where does the time go?

It's been more than a month since I posted last.  I hope everyone's having a great summer.  So much has been happening here.  My stepson, Ben, graduated from high school, my daughter, Katy, turned 16....Kimber became a "woman" if you know what I mean....which has drastically improved our relationship.

Lily got spayed, and all the pets (which include Muffin and Murphy) got micro-chipped, their teeth cleaned, updated on shots, medicated for fleas and muffin got a lion cut.  He's so regal. :)

We leave at 4am monday for the airport.  We're taking all 4 teenagers and I'm bringing Lily as my carry on. We're visiting my parents in North Carolina.

I've never flown with a pet at my feet before.  If it were a straight flight, I'd be less stressed, but as it is, we will be flying out at 6 am for Dallas (4 hour flight), then switch planes, then another long flight to Raleigh NC.  From there, we rent a van and drive 3+ hours to my parents place.  One nice thing is that they found us a beach house to rent while we're there....so, after causing chaos all day with my parents, we'll be able to say "goodnight" and leave them with some peace and quiet and a chance to recover before the next day of chaos. 
We're all really excited for the visit with my family.  I'm not so much concerned about that, just flying with the dog.  I had her groomed yesterday and got advise from her vet which basically amounted to not feeding her much until the trip is over with only a few laps of water here and there.  The vet also said to keep her on benadryl every 8 hours starting just before we leave the house for the airport.  She had to start on heart worm medicine because heart worms are rampant in NC....who knew?

If you've read much of my journal, you know that I've had a lifelong battle with depression.  It's genetic, runs in my birth father's side of the family.  I wasn't diagnosed until after my youngest daughter was born and I was having major post partum depression....once seeing my doctor and a counselor, I realized that the things I struggled with on a daily basis were due to depression (having a hard time getting out of bed, wanting to sleep nonstop, crying and emotional, blah blah blah)....that diagnosis was 13 years ago, I can't believe it.  I've basically had it under control with the help of medication and wonderful doctors but have had at least 3 major setbacks during this period of time. 

One of my last bouts of depression was in September of last year.  I tend to deny that anything is happening, that I'm actually falling back into depression when it's happening....I'll blame PMS or whatever.  Once the kids were back in school and I had time to myself I had to face the fact that I was feeling miserable and sad.  When the kids were home over the summer, they kept me busy enough that I didn't have to deal with it.  I went to see my doctor, who had been pushing me to see a psychiatrist, someone who specializes in medications.  So, September 2005 I had a few visits with a wonderful psychiatrist who listened/interviewed me and who chose to do some different things with my meds.  She also referred me to a wonderful therapist.  I wanted to find someone who could help me come to terms with my quirks...as I tend to beat myself up over everything dealing with my "issues"....mainly ADD.  I saw Susan Giberson almost weekly from mid September through early December.  It was life changing for me. 

I experienced 6 months of improvement, the longest time I'd gone in several of years where I wasn't battling depression on a monthly basis. 
Looking back, I can now pinpoint the beginning of my most recent emotional dip back to March.   Nothing horrible, but just the beginnings of
struggling emotionally.... I have recognized for the first time (although it's been a pattern for at least 3 different bouts of depression) that one of the first red flags that I'm heading towards depression is my need to "redo" my studio.  This basically means that I begin dragging everything out of my studio and into my dining room which is across the hall.  Every single time I've done this, it seems the poopoo hits the fan and I'm faced with chaos in the dining room and chaos in my studio.  I become so overwhelmed by the chaos, that I shut down and can't even go into either room.  In the midst of this happening, I was in denial that I was falling into depression again.  The next red flag which points to my depression coming back is my tendency to withdraw from everyone outside my home....I stop answering emails, I don't answer my phone, won't listen to voice messages and don't call anyone.  I'm not someone who will ask for help, instead, I just isolate myself and basically dig a hole and jump inside. 

During the start of these red flags we had tons going on around here including a vacation to Hawaii (our first ever vacation since getting married in 2000), Artfest, filming That's Clever (for those who have asked....I will find out when my segments will air sometime in September), and a weekend trip to Vegas with girlfriends.  I remember a doctor once telling me that during times of stress, medication doesn't work as effectively as it normally does.  Maybe this is the reason things started coming undone for me....who knows. 

After almost 3 months of the depression progressing and my denying what was actually happening, I fell apart.  I felt so frustrated that it was happening again and honestly felt like I'd literally had only a month or two without depression....(now I know I had a blissful 6 months...but it REALLY felt like I'd JUST recovered and in a heartbeat I was suffering again).  The only people I saw during this time were my immediate family and my neighbor, Tami.  She could tell I was disappearing and would call and call and eventually ring my doorbell. 

My husband works weekends and his official weekend falls on Mondays and Tuesdays.  We planned for the girls to spend those two days with their dad so he could take me and escape the real world. 
It was the perfect thing for me....hubby golfed, I went antiquing finding awesome treasures.
While I was there I remember thinking that the depression was something I would never kick...that I would struggle every month or so with it for the rest of my life.  This wasn't a positive realization, quite devastating, in fact.  How could anyone live this way?

Upon returning home I sat down at my computer and sent an email out to some friends who I'd not been in touch with during this recent bout of depression.  In every episode of depression, after I withdraw and crumble....I begin to just beat myself up over not being able to be there for my friends....honestly, it's all I can do to be there for myself...but still, I start feeling the guilt and loneliness that comes with isolating myself.  The majority of my friends know and understand me...trust me, you find out who your friends are when you're like me.  I can say with all sincerity that when I'm feeling normal, I'm totally there for my friends.  I've been so blessed with wonderful women in my life.  I have made friends with artists online that I've come to love like sisters....
I know that I'm not the only person with issues and a life and difficulties...this is why I turn inward during my struggles...I know all too well that life is many things...awesome, beautiful, exciting and often times difficult and challenging.  I'm a firm believer in the saying, "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger."  When things are challenging for me, you're just not going to hear much from me...
not just you, my mother's not going to be hearing from me, my best friends don't hear from me and people who email me won't be hearing from me.

My sweet friend and neighbor, Tami (Larry's mom), came over upon my returning from the beach.
She sat with me in my studio and let me show her all my treasures from my "weekend trip"....
She showed me all her treasures from her Goodwill thrift store stop and we just talked....

I told her about the email I'd sent to friends apologizing for being a big pile of crap in the friendship department....told her about the responses I got back...most good, one bad.  I cried as I told her I'd come to terms with the fact that I would be depressed for the rest of my life.....and...like true friends do, she said..."What?!?!  NO WAY!~  You DON'T have to spend the rest of your life struggling with depression....get your butt to the doctor!!"  You'd think that would have been a given, but it felt like a HUGE wake up call....so I did!  I called my psychiatrist (whom I haven't seen since October or November), I left a message on her voicemail and she called me back right away.  In tears I told her I'd been struggling and asked if she could help me....she said "OF COURSE!" and I went to see her the next day.  This was about two weeks ago and I'm better...not 100% yet but my family and Tami have said that they can see in my face that I'm better....I get teary eyed and emotional, but it's not all the time.  I know the stress of my upcoming trip is a factor in my not feeling completely well, but I'm okay with that. 

If you're my friend and your reading this....please know I love you.  I'm so blessed.  I'm not a great friend when I'm sick....but it's because of me and not because of you.

So, now that I've walked away and watched tv with hubby for a bit, I'm wondering where all this is going and why I'm pouring it all out on this page.  I can only think that it's meant to be...so there you go.  I'm so grateful for everything in my life and want to encourage any of you reading this who finds themselves facing these same struggles, there's hope and help.

oxox

Comments

[Carrie]

not to make light... but I've often found (here I go again) that with any creativity comes some kind of depression. I've been there and many many many of my friends have been there... for some reason the more brilliantly creative the person I know is, the deeper the depression, or boughts of depression are. I swear it's linked to hormones (I've revolted against the BC pill), our environment as well as genes. I can always feel my depression coming on and I fight it tooth and nail. I try to get some exercise, cut out the caffeine, warn everyone (duck and cover!) and start a new project to keep distracted. The shop always helps. I HAVE to be there and my customers take my mind off my own stuff... (you think YOU are having a bad day... listen to some of their stories! eeeek!). Oh, idea... "artist's yoga workshops" - art for the sake of unwinding, to stretch your mind and forget all your worries. We could SO sell that! hehe! Thank you so much for sharing and being so open... life is such a curious series of events...

[Maija]

Hi Tracy...I found your blog on a friends list of links and I started reading. I was so touched by your story. You could be speaking from my mouth! I appreciate and understand every word you have said! For me, I will take medication every day of my life...that's my commitment to m.? Do I need it every day? Probably not, but I don't want to risk it. I feel too good! I just take my Wellbutrin and Celexa with my diabetes medication and my multi-vitamin! One thing I can say, is that when I start feeling blue, and I sense a depression coming on, I don't deny it, I give myself a little time to feel it, react to it, recover and move on. I NEVER get too low. Those low times mean I've missed deadlines, school events and friends 40th birthday parties! The people that love me, know I love them. I'm just trying to survive with hope and happiness! Love and well wishes to you!

[kristina]

Tracy ~ You are an incredible artist, mother and friend! It's great that you keep hanging in there with life and keep working on the issues that bring you down. I'm a firm believer that stress is our biggest enemy. Have a super family holiday! kristina

[Anne]

Too many people are diagnosed ADD for it to be a "disease". Girl, you need to read Renaissance Soul by Margaret Lobenstine. Get it for your beach vacation. It's fantastic! Just remember, Einstein and Da Vinci would have been diagnose ADD, too!

[Lelainia]

Tracy, just so you know (and I mean this will all my heart) REAL FRIENDS DON'T KEEP SCORE. Please don't ever apologise to me again for not calling or emailing. I mean it. There is NOTHING for you to be sorry or guilty for. I am not judging you in any way. I love you just the way you are at any given moment and my friendship comes totally unconditionally. You will always be "off the hook" with me. xox

[Judy]

You have had an incredibly busy summer. I find travel the most stressful of all even though I love it. I am sorry to hear that one of your "friends" disappointed you. You have such a good heart - I dont want you to pile guilt on yourself. (that is my pattern. What a foolish thing we do, to add to our sorrow with guilt. But who can help it?) Forgive. Forgive your friend for being insensitive and forgive yourself for not being perfect. And then know that none of us are (perfect). We are mostly just scratching it together as you are and doing our best. I have grown to admire and care for you very much. I hope you continue to get help when you need it and to put yourself first. It sounds like that is hard for you but it will help you if you can. Please forgive this old know-it-all for the advice. I just want to help if I can.

[Sandy]

Gee Tracy, I don't know you but I love your work. I'm sorry to hear what has been going on with you. Glad you wrote it all out which can help sometimes just to get it out there. You will overcome this. Keep up with the doctors & let your freinds & family know when you need their help. Sandy

[natalie]

So glad to hear that you are feeling better! I figured that was what was going on, and can so relate, as you know. I can't totally withdraw, as I have office work daily, but I notice that I just work on auto pilot, and just "get through" the day. Since I have been working from home, I stay so much more to myself. Sometimes it is great, and other times I feel like a prisoner in my own house. But yet I don't want to leave. I almost feel that I could become one of those people who stays in and is afraid of the outside world. Blah, Blah, Blah....sorry for going on. Hope to hear from you soon, do that we can plan ART and Soul. I think it would be good for the both of us. art and kisses, Natalie

[PJ]

Thank you for sharing the most private side. To let people know there is help and that they are not alone! ..and no better place than your very own blog :)

[janice]

tracy-i so appreciate your forthrightness in educating many of us on your experience(s)with depression. i found out last summer that a friend and someone i greatly admire suffers from depression. i am not sure they are aware that i am aware. but i feel my responsibility as a friend is to keep in touch-whether i get a response or not. i let them know i am thinking about them...and then i will get a response out of the blue-sometimes several months later and THAT IS OKAY..it makes my day when this happens. Suffering from depression and trying to navigate through daily lives is a tough battle and for those of us not suffering from depression we need to try and understand this navigation process. although distance separates me and my friend, i will never cease my part of the friendship bargain. You are a dear for helping the rest of us understand and your candidness is so endearing. hugs to you sweetie!

[tyn]

It is so good to hear from you... I am so glad that Tami was there to kick you in the butt to call the Dr. :)A lot of us can relate, Hang in there!!! Lots of hugs...

[sonja]

oh, Tracy, I'm so glad that you posted, and thank you for sharing with us. I was worried about you, afraid that you may have gone into the grey. Dear heart, you are not alone. I battle too, and it's one of the things that draw me to check in on you. Even tho' I'm not your "friend" in person, I've been familiar with your works for years now (even have a couple of them!)and when I got to 'know' you thru your blog, I could so relate. To know that there are others that understand is such a comfort. Good for you for going to the doc and thanks to the friend who knocked on your door! I keep quite a safe distance from most people, don't let them too close, so they don't get upset with me when I recoil. THANK YOU for being letting us that care for you know what is going on. ((hug))

[Carrie]

Tracy - it's so good to *hear* from you. I can relate on many levels to what you've said and how you feel and can only imagine the internal struggle you have on a daily basis. You only have to answer to yourself, nobody else. I know I've said this before, and it's true. You have to take care of yourself; if you don't, who will be there to inspire the rest of us? ;) Be well, sending virtual hug from California...xo

[Paulette]

I'm so glad you posted hon! I've been worried about ya. You've been on my mind daily and in my prayers. I've actually come pretty close to just driving over and ringing your doorbell a number of times myself when I didn't hear from you, but I wasn't sure if it would be helping or intruding so I always chickened out. -- You are such an amazing woman and I feel so blessed to count you as one of my friends! If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be getting the help I so desperately needed. Thank you so much for keeping after me until I did what I needed to do. -- I love ya girl! Let me know when you feel up to company and I'll be there with bells on! ~Paulette