sarah gifties

I received the sweetest surprise in the mail yesterday from my friend Sarah. There were 3 tiny buttons with images of her work and a pair of bottlecap earrings. They made me happy. :)  Thanks Sarah, oxox....I've had lots going on in my head the past couple of days.  I had an epiphany of sorts and immediately called my wonderful counselor, Susan Giberson, to set up an appointment.  I haven't seen her in forever and knew that I'd have to to work through some things that have been holding me back. 
What started all this introspection had to do with my lack of trusting people the way I used to.  I've always been way too trusting and believed that if you're kind and respectful of people/feelings, other people would be the same way...I've always just laid everything out there, the good, bad and the ugly and I've always found it easy to love people unconditionally.  I've always assumed that it's easy for me to overlook the "quirks" of others because I've always been the queen of quirks....
this is so hard to even think about, let alone, type it.
A couple of years ago I'd had some wonderful things happening artistically....around that time, some people I felt close to hurt me...from that point, things went downhill.  I honestly thought I was so over this, but it just hit me the other day ...I'd been stuffing the hurt and to this day I rarely make art, have turned down many opportunities to be published, have virtually cut myself off from art friends and have retreated into this safe place...but it's not safe.  I'm so stifled and this overwhelming sense of a fear of failure, of a fear of letting people down, fear of allowing myself to trust new people and letting them get to know the real me...it's all so different than the person I was.  I believe there is wisdom in being cautious with new people...my girlfriend, Tami, had me over for lunch today...I began telling her about this and was shocked by the emotion and pain that rose up...I knew I had things I needed to work through and let go of, but not having vocalized it before today I hadn't felt super emotional about it.  She told me that where people are concerned, trust is something that is earned, not given away.  I've never ever thought of it that way.  I would always trust with reckless abandon, get the rug pulled out from under me, be hurt and heartbroken which would add bricks to the wall I've been building around me for the last 4 yrs or so. 
I'm rambling because I'm working this out while I type. :)   
I used to not be such a horrible emailer...hubby used to complain that I spent more time emailing than I did making art (back in the days we needed my artwork to generate household $$).  Over the past few years, I've not only become the worst at responding to emails,  I've also stopped answering my phone, most days...don't listen to voice messages more than once a week, have a hard time committing myself to new friends for fear that we would get close and it could blow up on me.  I find that if something happens and my feelings get hurt, I now tend to completely withdraw from the person involved instead of working things out....I'm so overly protective of my heart.  Things have definitely got to change. My Dr. appt. is in a week...we'll see.

On a happier note, I will be flying to Florida to visit with my dear friend Norma Kooi in less than a month.  I'm so excited, haven't seen her in forever and can't wait to just have girl time with her.  I'm going to be there for her birthday and during one weekend we're going to some huge city flea market...  I've got to start making some spending money FAST!
I'm also getting so excited for the trip to france I'm taking with my mom.  We'll be going on an art retreat taught by Linda and Opie.  Celine and I spent so much time talking and planning, she lives a couple of hours from where the retreat is being held....I think we're going to actually fly to paris early, meet up with Celine and the next day or so, take the fast train to southern france.  She lives near Montpellier (an incredible city that I loved).  We will be going to the same places I visited in France 8 years ago.  It'll be so wonderful to share that with my mother.  We'll visit the gorgeous walled city of Carcassonne.  I spent most of my time in france staying in Nimes, which was a dream.  I can't even believe I'm going back.  I know my mom and I, not to mention our husbands who will be staying home, will feel much better having a french friend to show us around.  Celine works in Paris, teaching classes at the only scrapbook store!  It'll be so fun being in her life, seeing where she works, lives, etc.  Okay, I feel better now. oxox

Comments

[Paulette]

Oh hon! (((hugs))) I'm so happy to hear you are on your way to getting things all sorted out. Please let us know how your appointment with Susan goes.

I too have been withdrawing lately...feeling out of sorts, stressed, and down. I'm making some progress now, but it's slow going. Finally got the support I needed on the homefront, but it's going to take some time for me to work my way through the funk I'm in. At least I have some time to do it now.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers hon! Send me a note or give me a call when you feel up to it.

[tyn]

It seems like a break thru... a good thing. You have a good heart, listen to it, and learn to trust it. Re: the France news.... You lucky duck! and P.S. I think you rock!!

[Sandy]

Oh, p.s. Have a wonderful trip to France. I wish I could fit in your suitcase.

[Sandy]

I too can relate to being very hurt by someone who I thought was a good friend. It's happened a few times in my life, the latest a few years ago and it had to do with my quilt work. It all stemmed from jealousy & trying to one up me. It took a while to get over it. I am cautious about trusting new friends but am not going to let it stop me from doing what I want to do with my life. I am glad you will talk to your doctor about this. I'm sure they will be able to help you & get you back on track. I, among tons of other people out there LOVE your work & hope the best for you.

[Lelainia]

You and I are two peas in a pod when it comes to living with our hearts wide open. (must be because we share a b-day!) I have always operated under the principle that people are basically good and kind and sometimes that is not so and I find out the hard way. I think sometimes when you are kind and generous and open, people who don't have the best of intentions see that and mistake it for weakness. They see it as an opportunity to stomp all over your heart. All I can say is there have been several times where I have had this happen and it makes me really angry because despite getting hurt, I am who I am and I can't see living my life any other way. I love people and I want to experience as much as I can-we only get to go around once! What I have changed is who I allow into what I call my "sacred circle". This is the people whom I trust deeply and who know the core of who I am. That is only open to people who have earned my deepest trust and it is a small and select group. I know you are like me-you have a soft heart, you care about people, your friends are precious. All I can tell you Tracy is that this is who you are. People DO need to earn your trust if they want to be close to you. Friendship is a priviledge and a gift-you are offering your most loving and special self to be shared and if someone doesn't see that for the precious gift it is, then perhaps they are not worthy of it. People who abuse that are squandering the gift of knowing you. *hugs girlfrind*

[zUzU]

Tracy =^..^=

I felt this post so deeply. It stunned me. I understand this one far too well. (right down to the phone thing.)

I too trust in the good of people and it seems somewhat recently that I should not trust anymore. Still, I do. I just can't help but believe that there is good inside of everyone ... and can't bring myself to fault people for what others have done to me in the past. And like you, I get hurt because of this a lot. I don't take it well. Why would they do this? It would never even occur to me to be so mean.

I recently had an experience that dropped me to my knees with one horrible blow. A friend I had trusted forever did something to me I still can't comprehend. Not just the once, but then proceeded to torment me over something verbally in hiddious emails & letters left at my door. Finally it impacted me enough to make me closeup into a ball. Draw the curtains and unplug.

I had done nothing to her but to be kind.

I understand what you are saying about unconditional trust & finding it hard to continue onward in the same way ... As you have in the back of your head a little something watching for the something bad you have come to expect to happen.

One thing I do know is who my real friends are now. And slowly I am trying to come out of hidding. Trying to trust in myself again ... To trust enough in human kind that I will not let this keep me away from my life any longer.

And that is the hardest part. Trusting me.

=^..^= love zU
(That vintage fabric for your mini puppies project is still here anytime you want it. Yep Yep Yep!)

[lia]

wow. I have been there. yes, it's so hard when you trust someone with all your heart and then get crushed. I think that fear is always what holds us back...fear of being hurt, fear of success, fear of change, etc. etc. I think that when you are an artist your creativity is tied into your emotions (at least it is with me) so sometimes issues keep us away from the one place that is full of trust and safety, our little art world. oh, I hope you work through this, I know you will. I think we all have times we want to pull away and access/understand what's going on. I had to chuckle about the phone thing...I hate phones! i hardly check my messages, I think it's just extra noise, I prefer going out for coffee with a friend rather than catching up over the phone. anyhoo, have a great, great trip. you are a very talented artists and good person and don't let others untrusting behaviour change your trusting heart. there are still many people who can be trusted and have the best intentions in mind. they are the people that get us through times where we aren't sure about who to trust. take care of yourself! lia

[kim]

you know what, i think you are great, i wear my emotions on my sleeve along with my heart and what you see is what you get with me..trust your heart, i always have and it has worked out..you are a good egg!! xox~k