Bittersweet Day

It's 1am but in my head, it's still Tuesday.  Tuesday is actually my Sunday as my hubby's weekend falls on Monday and Tuesday...it feels even more true since the girls aren't in school this week.

I've spent most of today cleaning out my stuff.  If you're not a pack rat, you have no idea how overwhelming it is.  I've mentioned before that when I try to clean out my studio, I basically end up moving stuff from one room to another....then, if I don't put it back in the studio, I'll take it up to the guest room....constantly moving things instead of boxing up stuff and hauling it to goodwill.

Well, I finally decided that the only way I was going to be able to REALLY get organized was to clean out my "crap" closet...which actually began as a "craft" closet but it didn't last.  This closet is upstairs near my bedroom and is huge.  It is so packed full that if you open the door you might get injured.  I made a decision last night that I would spend today clearing out studio stuff, then realized I had to go up and get started on the crap closet....started pulling things out and covered the landing...(I did clear a path for hubby, as this is soooo out of his comfort zone...now I've actually got my crap  spread through the garage (my car can't fit, as I've had to use MY space and I've filled it, no kidding)...the dining room (stuff that I pull from my studio goes there while I sort things out), I've today put things in the guest room and now, the landing. 

Okay, if you know me, you might remember that my epiphany over the summer was my sudden awareness that before every BIG depression episode, I tend to decide to "clean out my crap"....which means I spread it all over....then get overwhelmed, hate myself, can't do anything and crash.  I've been in such a good space for several months that I'm hoping by being aware of this, I can manage myself and my stress level. (prayers would be nice and needed about now)...

While sitting on the floor of the closet, I started going through things that I've not seen in years.  I found the girls baby books, photos, school stuff from preschool through elementary.  At first I laughed, oooohed and awwwed...long after the girls had told me to quit calling them up for a walk down memory lane for the millionth time, I started feeling that the whole thing was bittersweet.

For you mothers of teenagers or older kids...have you ever had a moment when you miss those tiny years?  Not even the baby years, tho I loved them....but for me, the years when the girls were between 2 and 5.  and actually, when my kids were exactly 2 & 5 I was in the beginnings of a divorce.  I remember that there were times I felt so overwhelmed and times I felt they would always be that crazy toddler age where I was changing diapers and fixing booboos (sometime every 5 minutes).  I remember someone telling me once to appreciate it because it would be long gone before I knew it....but those days with so much happening, I felt so overwhelmed by it all.

A couple of years ago I was out picking up a Papa Murphy's pizza and had just gotten in my car when a young mother and her little girl (about 3 or 4yrs old).  They were holding hands, the mom was on a mission to get the pizza, the little girl had wild short hair, was skipping and talking a mile a minute.  It instantly pulled me back 10 years.  That little girl was so katy who by then was a teenager.  My heart suddenly ached...not that I'd give up this time in their lives for anything, because I absolutely adore the young women they are.... but that little girl, talking nonstop in her little voice...the voice I heard nonstop just about every minute of the day unless she was sleeping...I missed it.  I missed her.  Our kids grow and for those of you who do have tiny ones and at times you think you're drowning in dirty diapers, apple juice, sippy cups, cheerios...take pictures..sit them in your lap and make voice recordings on your computer...recordings of them talking and laughing and singing that song they love.  They grow into such incredible people, I could never be more proud a mother as I am today, honestly...but ohhh...I miss those little girls sometimes.  oxox

Comments

[Tricia]

Thanks for the wonderful adventure down memory lane. I loved the pictures too! I can relate to getting stuck when pulling out all the "crap". I linger over it all and get lost in the moment.

[tracy]

hi Michelle, One thing I can assure you of is this.... when Katy, my oldest started pulling away, I can remember feeling like I was losing her... kind of a panic. (Not that I let on to her, but still..) She had about 2 years of shutting me out while she found her own identity...(in a way it seemed she almost needed to hate me in order to cut the cord from the mommy daughter relationship.) Once this happened, and I had to give her the freedom NOT to share every bit with me, even though I felt I had no clue who she was anymore....she came back to me. Once she knows that she doesn't have to depend on me as mommy but can redefine her need for me including her own independence and ability to work things through on her own, her need to be extreme in separating from me stopped. She is not the needy girl she had been right before that change....was more confident in her own decisions, etc....not only that, there are days when I actually do say...."honey, I need some alone time now...can we have 30 minutes of no talking?" Once she hit highschool, miss chatterbox returned, it's not that little high pitched girl voice, and of course, we're not talking about bugs or tiny girl things...but my daughter is back. Once she went through her separation, other things came back...her love for Pooh characters, hello kitty, all the loves of her childhood were okay again. A couple of years later when her little sister started pulling away, I was comforted in knowing that it was temporary...and it was. :) oxox

[Michelle A.]

I'm there right now. My precious daughter is almost 14. I too miss the tiny years and although I have a good relationship with my girl I can feel here needing her space and less of me. I know that's how it's suppose to go but...it's difficult.