Home Sweet Home

This tiny old house was in a rural part in the middle of France
between Limoges and Paris.
hi....I'm home.  It's been 2-1/2 days now and it's very nice seeing my family after almost 3 weeks.
This has been the longest we've ever been apart and I'm happy to say it was as hard on them as it was on me. :)  Heaven forbid I leave for over 2 weeks and they feel it's as if I'd never left! 
I've got a range of emotional and physical feelings regarding my trip and being back.  I'm happy
to be home where I feel safe and loved.  I can actually remain in one place for days with no future
plans to board an airplane anytime soon...that's a relief.

I feel I've been physically and emotionally tested in so many ways, good and not so good. 
Since I'm an emotional person, that basically means I've cried a lot since I've been back. 
I'm feeling pretty fragile at the moment and will certainly need to work this out over time.

My hubby and I have poured over so many of my experiences in France....he asked me what
my  hopes were for this trip....besides the obvious such as seeing France again, flea markets, time with friends...Linda and Opie O'Brien....my most important and most anticipated hopes surrounded the time spent with my Mom, whom I love with all my heart.  I imagined that we would, for the first time in our lives, take a trip together as two adults (I'm nearing 44 yrs of age), as two friends.  I imagined an adventure together and bonding closer than ever before.  While we had bits and pieces of good times, in reality, it wasn't an easy trip. 

Tell me this....when do we, as daughters, give up the dream that a day will come when we will be respected as adults by our mothers?  That as adults we are used to making our own decisions, taking care of our own messes, raising our children, etc.?  We have our own ways of doing things that are different than how our Mom's do things.  And....within these boundaries, our Mother will love and accept us, respect the fact that we (ok, me) not only have adult lives apart from them, but  actually are raising wonderful kids, have an amazing marraige, are capable of making decisions....Honestly, I'm venting, so it seems I'm talking in circles. 

I'm now closing in on 44 yrs of age and I find that coming to the realization of an adult friendship with my mother, the one I was hoping for, isn't meant to be.  I know and believe that we love each other....but am resigning myself to the fact I will always, in the eyes of my Mother, need to be parented when we're together.

oxox

Comments

[carrie]

re: your relationship with your mother...I don't know your story all that well... but... all I can say is, nothing is ever what you want it to be exactly and perfectly and that's just life. I would just be hopeful that you could find some peace and everything else is icing on the cake, if that makes sense. I can't give you much advice in a simple comment... but... first you must find peace, harmony, love, acceptance and self respect for yourself... then everything else will fall into place. If you are expecting to hear something specific from someone to make you "whole", you aren't going to hear it. Work on loving yourself first and everything else in your life will come later or, better yet, it won't matter what anyone else thinks at all. :) Smile and keep taking those wonderful pictures!!!

[Joy Logan]

Welcome home! I can feel alot of what you have previously been thru emotionally...Oh and I love the understanding of men,lol. You are for sure ready to journal it all down,what a fab trip I can't even imagine. Hope your spirits are ready to regain consciousness now,glad you are back!

[Tiffany Singleton]

Regarding your relationship with your mom, I think I know how you feel. I am 40, and many times I still feel like a little girl when I spend time with my mother. Sometimes it seems like we're in a constant battle...she wants to assert herself as "Mother" and I want to assert myself as an independent woman and an equal. Perhaps "equal" isn't the right word to use...what I mean is, like you, I'd love to be viewed as more of a friend than a daughter(who needs guidance). Thank you for sharing your feelings and know that you aren't weird for feeling the things that you do. I think many women struggle with this. I think the best thing we can do is to try and not repeat the same cycle with our own children when they become adults. (I'm new to your blog, I'm assuming you have kids from reading your Oct. 11th post)

[Tricia]

My mom as well continues to be my parent and not my equal, and I am almost 50. The good in this is that she is honest with me, even when that honesty burns. HOWEVER, I have finally gotten my voice with her...something I lacked for years. When her comments are rude and something she would never dare say to another, I can now tell her so. I appreciate her honesty, as sometimes no one else has the balls to say what needs to be said. Does that make sense? Thanks for sharing what is probably a reality all of us daughters face, but many are unwilling or unable to verbalize.

[Bejeweled]

Your pictures of your trip are stunning! What a feast of beauty for the eyes and soul! I am sorry your dreams did not come true for the relationship between yourself and your mother. It sounds like you did have some good bits on the trip though and did make some happy memories, even if the adult connection you were hoping for did not occur. {{{{{hugs}}}}}}